She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
