His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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