omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
