I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
