Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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