Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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