can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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