so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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