bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
