just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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