the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
pop tarts are not kleenex
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
