she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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