After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
