take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
