Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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