I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
