He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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