Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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