I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
