Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
