woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
