I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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