you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
