Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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