I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
