I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
