I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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