I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
