Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
