Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
