Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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