i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
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