Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just tell him i said nine months
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
