You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
