How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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