i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
