Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
