apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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