He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
