Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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