By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
