I accidentally had phone sex last night
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
