Will you blow on my dice?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
