dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
