the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my being single is dangerous.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
