I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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