Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
