How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
