I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
