I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
