i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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