I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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