Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
